I have not been attending schools. Three days, to be exact.
I feel so useless.

It just down to me how bad I dress up. I mean, alright, it's not bad. but like .. plain ?
I mean, there are no 3 to 5 necklaces hanging on my neck due to my alergy to imitations
no bangles , no nothing because just by looking at myself in the mirror I'd get so frustrated. Oh, you know what can I get so pissed about . I even just wear my brown slippers which I had made disappeared ( good riddance ! ) .

Then again, I don't go out much, don't I ? I mean, mcdonalds, hailey's house, libraries are places where I wear my fbt with a shirt on and pinned up fringe. hmmmh. maybe I should change that habit.

ohhh. after O , alright. I'm so gonna paint the town red, you mofos !

so here's something that I could look back at.

L1b4 - C6 + B3 + C6 + c5 + b3 = 23
L1 R5 - 23 + 8 = 31

Yeah. I could got to hell with my prelims result. I'll update my friends'ter's picture next year with me wearing something identifying me belong to a trashy school.

Oh well. whatever. It's not like there is something could be done to change my prelims result. but I've defenitely gone 6 hells down.

My eyes are swollen and tired. My nose is still blocked. This pain in the arse is killing me.
Ne'ertheless, the show has got to go on. I need my brother. I can't take care of everything. Like hell no, I can't. I spent way too much time outside of the house, looking for love and warmth. This. This feels way too empty. I need to know everything is going right. I hope they are. & days feel like years when I'm alone. I need you there when I cry. All of you. But at least, I know, I know, we will always be the best of friends. or, we will always be together. With that, I'm way relieved.

" die die must do well for O "

seven years back, it was this stupid education reason that separated us.
few years back, it was that emoness of yours, or maybe , we're just plain busy
& now, when everything's starting to go right
when we could laugh together like we used to back then, way back then
you gotta go tos erve a stupid country that doesnt even concern you
so that me and my sister could pay only 1/10 of our school fees
when you're gone, pieces of my heart are missing you
This too, shall pass
you'll be back
and by then, we'll be as tight, wouldnt we ?

you probably are awake.

when I browse through people's online diaries, I get to know what is happening in their lives. Eventhough I'm very much aware that I don't even know these girls. But I know. I know that maybe they just had their first dancing performance, or maybe that their boyfriends being such pitas , or anything so trivial like maybe how they spent money on one stupid shirt and decided to sell it off, only knowing that , we loathe it as much as she does.

It's like, you're watching the world without being a part of it. You're watching the real world. Not ones that Mtv shows. It's people with real brokenhearts, real joy, real tears and laughters , people with real lives . The kind that you and me might just have.

& so I was reading this girl's journal. she's talking about how she fought with her boyfriend. & how her boyfriend just realised that after two goddamned years that she likes these certain things. Yes. why am I being so much of a busybody when I could just keep my nose outta there and maybe touching my physics would be a better activity ? Well, I don't know, it has its' own fun. Like as if, I feel their pain and joy for I been there. I could cry when girls broke up with their boyfriends, get angry when they are quarrelling with their bitchy mates, or could go all aww seeing their pets' photos.

It's not really the point, you know. haha.

You guys, probably, know about the dilemma, the pain, I was in last year. God, it was painful. Like it was so , that, I swear I could not take any more of these and I just wanted to go numb. remember ? yeah that. & people who stumbled into this stinky blog probably watched me grew out of the pain, or at least , I'm almost there. Even until now, man, I couldn't lie anyway, right ? My trepidation still suffocates me. Like there are just times that the past will come crawling back. & all the pain, the disappointment, the disillusioned, the tears , and not much of happiness come in an unison. These times are when I could not hold it back. I could not breathe. I could not see clearly for my vision's blurred. Heartbrokens are one of live's privilege so that you would know how to value things at its' face value.

But if you been there, done that. You pretty much know how it's all going to end, don't you ? All the more that, none of yours had actually worked out or gone out very well ? But I guess, it's just normal to be afraid.

Love is not about magic. Love is when two people get together not because they think they are each other's soulmate. that kind of love is too imaginary. Love is when you know that person by heart and accept him they way he is. about sticking around anyway, eventhough you're disappointed. about understandings and fears. about trusts.

oh well, that's not the point neither.
whatever it is. I think what I wanted to say is that
online diaries ? they connect you with the world no matter how much you want to hide .

Okay, it's 5 : 47 , and I'm up !

so, grands are around. & they keep on talking in some God-knows-what language. groan. they are being so .. know-it-alls. well, at least he does. I'm not being a bitch or anything remotely akin to that, but come on, man. Yes, I know, you've been living for more than 8o years but can I tell you something and not having you reply "I know" ? okay, maybe your pride would be too high to even do that. Can I just not have you yell at my grandmama for whatever she says ? Gawd, that's like freaking annoying. & please please, stop sucking up to my family to obtain what your other grandchildren / children are lacking in. It's not my parents' fault , isnt it, that they are just maybe too lazy , or too haughty ? arghhh.

On a lighter note. Here goes.

I love how you always listen to me
I love how you always try to understand
I love how you always get my jokes
& never take it to heart, no matter how over-the-line it is
I love how down to earth you are
I love how you appreciate me
I love that I wouldnt have to worry about a thing when I'm with you
I love how you accept me
It's been 2 months & It just gets stronger
I love you (:

I'm 16, and I was world-weary for at least half of the day
I would like to elaborate today, but I still have to revise for maths. I'd do it next time.

I love my babes ! awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
& baby , too ! many many :D

later

Groan . I should not have signed up for a seat for malay re-takers. I know B3 is not something to be so wawa-ed about, but dang man, I've lost the mood. I've lost the semangatness for I could have sworn I was busting my ass for the june's O, and that's what I've got ? maaaaaan. Gone are the days when I was all in for malay stuffs. It gets so boring, so mundane, now. I almost skipped today's prelim's papers. ohhhhh. Well, at least I know that the results would be ugly. mmmh.

Grandparents are coming tomorrow ! ergggghhhh. Nothing against them, really, but it's just, at times ( well, most of the times ), they will talk to me about things that I don't even know or care about, or I already know since they've been speaking out the same old shits time and again. They could get sooooooooooooo slow, & you know , how much I dislike slowness.

I hate prelims, or exams, even O. it makes me not have time for my babes. or maybe, it's just me who really is too lazy to get out of my fucking cage. ergh. we'll talk about this some other times later.But, I miss miss miss HAILEY & DIONNE ! God, I could just break down and fucken tear lahhh.

I gotta go for Amaths now

God knows how many other birthdays of people who play important roles in my life, who watch me grow, who I come to for warmth whenever I'm down, I have forgotten. I'm such a bitch. I don't even text them or talk to them as much as I'm supposed to. Reasons being ? either that I'm very much too off satisfied with my small group of friends, or I'm just plain lazy and not care to pick up my phone and send a " hey, how's life? " to any of my friends. Crap.

It's 5:14 AM, and it's ahkong's birthday, today.
& I'm having my chem and maths prelim papers.

At the crack of the dawn. Exactly. 1:36 AM , 8th september 2006.

I've decided to be reallly good and start being thankful to God. I realised I havent been showing my gratitude like as much as I'm supposed to. That's like hey bitch, I gotcha something, & I don't want anything in return but maybe just a thought of being thankful ?. I'm sorry , really really. and I promised, this I'm doing not because I want to have a compensation. no.I merely want to save myself, or my sister in that case.

& you guys could probably hang on to my words, and not say anything if I maybe stop doing it by next week. NO ! what kinda attitude is that. no no no no.

Alright, I will go and study today, like really really !

Qns : what the best birthday gift would I like ?
Ans :

This is the kind of question that is similar to probability questions in maths paper one that Im apt to skip. No matter how, since it would be kind of silly to skip this one when I was the one who brought it up, let's contemplate.

Exactly. I don't know what I want. Or, at least, when I know what I want, I know I have the privilege to swipe my UOB for that. Everything that is materialistic is attainable. Despite the fact that, I know where the hell am I standing, & I wouldn't fall for something that would dry my dad's pocket money.

So again, back to the question. what's the birthday gift then. Alright. Two years ago, I celebrated my birthday with my parents & bro. Mummy cooked lots and lots of dishes. Sugy & ahkong, even ivan. They came.I forgot whether maria/janet came. It was a tiny party, but I swear it's beautiful. A year ago, you guys know how I celebrated it.A joint bbq !It was very memorable. I wish I have more pictures than just this stinking photo of the people who I dont even care about. and the night itself, my brother rifky and ahkong, they barged in my room with a cake. It was so touching.

sorry, Im still not answering. that was a story, sorry. Okay. so this year ! I don't know man. My grandparents would be around. So most probably, My grandmum would cook for me. So, no celebration neither party. A tiny one, maybe. I promised I'd bring the girls to new york new york, after prelims alright ! & I'm apt to spend the night before and during, mugging.

If I had a choice, I would ask for something. I would ask that I could go back to my hometown. So that ... so that I could spend one of the most important days in every year, with people who I grew up with. My auntie. My primary school friends. My secondary school friends who are now already sending me birthday wishes. Everyone . just everyone & anyone. Or maybe, ereinio would do it. I would even go to the orphans and celebrate it there. I'm sure it would be a gorgeous one.

Maybe, maybe this time, I would donate 1/6 of my allowance to church. and my 16 would means a weekly churching. oh... no matter.

Now , that question turned to be like SS'. Oh well.

Snoopy
is worth mentioning for he's the first out of a bunch
God, it's hard to not fall in love with him
& the master's brother

Random
Go to my sunday 26 march2006 post & please,do take a look of tono's picture
I miss him . He was always there. Through the tears and laughters.
He always came to me when I was around him.
He even kissed me, despite all the stress I've put him in
awww. Tono tono tono ! :(

anywayyyy, I've thought about what to name my next hamster. POPPY ! heeee

Actually, to think about what dionne has said. Yes I'm a lucky girl.
Please partake in the thinking.

1. I have all the nice people you could find around me
2. My boyfriend is like oh-so right & he gets along with my maid n' security guard
3. Brother just got me the cool mp3, and his nintendo ds is like,making its way to my bag.
4. sister is so adorable & she's getting hamster for my birthday
5. Mum's like dying to buy something costly for my birthdays gift
6. My little brother and dad are like way too cute
7. All my babes are the sex
8. Eminem is alive

Now tell me. How could I not smile? :D

The date ?
GREAT ! nuff' said , now.

next one will be after exams !
& very much looking forward to that
I love you (:

Remember Pussycat dolls ft Timbaland - wait a minute ?

Remember that ?
well.
I HAVE THAT ! huahuahuahua.

thanks to who ?

Brudddddderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr :D

right. A date later ! let's hope my mum wouldn't tag along.